W.A.L.T recall events through the eyes of an animal.
Success Criteria
I know I will be successful when my recount has a
- Title
- Orientation: When? Who? Where? Why?
- Sequence of events: What happened?
- Personal Comment: How did the events make you feel?
First Draft
The worst day in the whole history
It was a sunny day in africa it was 12 November. Mum, Dad,I and my dad’s herd of buffaloes were walking in the bright sun near the lake in Africa .I was walking with my mum because I was to scared to be in the front, anyway I am just a calf. I wanted to get a drink but my dad said no, I was really thirsty.Then an idea flew into my head I sneaked near the lake to get a drink then I suddenly saw lions resting in the flaming hot sun then my dad suddenly stopped could this be my last drink .
I spotted some lions crouching near us, I was quite scared. I knew what I had to do but suddenly the lions ran in surprise, my dad said run for your life ,I ran as as quick as I can, but the lions separated me from my dad and his herd of buffaloes. Once they got me I crashed into the cold and shiny water ,they kept on chewing and chewing on, me the pain was going threw my body and threw my veins.
The lions chewed and chewed on me but there was no blood coming out of my body. I see my biggest fear in the world, I feel so fearful I have never ever felt like this before it was a crocodile!!!!!!! pulling my leg, I felt that they are having a tug war. The pride of lions kept on pulling me when the crocodile bit my leg ,It really hurt. My 2 feared animals kept on pulling me ,they never give up I wish I had my dad and his herd of buffaloes to help me in this terrible situation.
I smell fear in the way the, lions razor sharp teeth bit my leg, the taste of pain filled my body ,as I hear sounds of lions roaring, I feel the cold water shaking like there is an earthquake about to strike. I see a pride of lions and a hungry crocodile trying to chew me. I couldn’t ,move a muscle I felt like I am being pulled by a giant lion. I never felt so alone before ,the bright sun flew past my eyes,the pride of lions pulled me out of the cold and frightful deps of the lake.
Then I heard lots stomping, it was my Dad and my Mum with their herd of buffaloes they came to save me I yelled MOOOOOOOO!! and they heard me. The crocodile let go and swam away, my dad scared the pride of lions away the one of the lions stayed and kept on chewing me my uncle frightened the other lion then I one lion ran away, I escaped my dad and his herd of buffaloes saved me.
I feel so excited that the battle has ended I am finally with my family and their herd of buffaloes.
Awesome job Lyan really like your story! You painted a picture in my head telling me that you are a baby buffalo calf. I like how clear the story is. But I think at the beginning you should put November 12 insted 12 November. Lyan you should put one full stop when you say I feel so excited that the battle has ended I am finally with my family and their herd of buffaloes. But well done Lyan I really loved your story.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteTerrific job Lyan. I like it how you put good punctuation in your writing. Are you making sure you are putting the right punctuation in the right sentence?
Nice work Lyan. I like the part when you said the lion has razor sharp teeth. Next time you should fix your punctuation like commas.
ReplyDeleteGood job Lyan I really liked how you talked about the mum,dad and I think you are the calf. I super liked how you put so much time into it. I think you should put some more commas in the story. How long did it take you?
ReplyDelete