Goody Goody Gumdro.......

Welcome fellow, bloggers, today I am here to tell you about what I did for writing this week.  This week we did the same as last week, remember we tasted some ice cream which was vanilla flavour and we had to write about it.  So this week we tasted the flavour called Goody Goody gumdrops, which wasn't really y favourite, because it had hard lollies. 

So this week (again) we had to write a draft then we had to then get and give feed back and then do our final draft. 

Here is my draft:
As I looked through the heart throbbing ice cream, I felt a shirll all through my body.  I scooped I bit out, it looked like a bright pastel wall.  Inside the cup was malachite world of wonder, there were candy drops, they looked like a blessing rainbow.  As I plopped the spoon in my mouth, it slowly liquefied inside my mouth.  It tasted like mint with a hint of bubblegum, the sublime taste of the nectarios ice cream.  I plopped some of the formidable gummy into my mouth, it was as hard as a stone wall.  The ice cream smelt like bubble gum the smell tantalizing I felt like I was in a whole different world.

Here is the feedback Mikayla gave me:
This is amazing Lyan I don't think you need to do anything but I love the part when you say*As I looked through the heart throbbing ice cream, I felt a shirll all through my body* keep up the great work.

So then here is my Final draft:
As I looked through the heart throbbing ice cream, I felt a shrill all through my body.  I scooped I bit out, it looked like a bright pastel wall.  Inside the cup was malachite world of wonder, there were candy drops, they looked like a blessing rainbow.  As I plopped the spoon in my mouth, it slowly liquefied inside my mouth.  It tasted like mint with a hint of bubblegum, the sublime taste of the nectarios ice cream.  I plopped some of the formidable gummy into my mouth, it was as hard as a stone wall.  The ice cream smelt like bubble gum the smell tantalising I felt like I was in a whole different world.  

I hope you like reading my story/paragraph, if somethings wrong please do not hesitate to comment down below.

The taste of heaven - Writing

This week for writing we get to do something amazing, we had to taste an ice cream then write about what it tastes, smell and looks.  So our teacher got us to taste the ice cream and then write our it.  First we did a draft then we got feedback from our buddies.

So here's my draft:
As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa. I grabbed my stick, and gently scooped through the satiny and tepid ice cream, it was as soft as a bunny.  I gently plopped the ice cream inside my mouth, it slowly liquefy as I swallowed it, it tasted like citrus with a hint of milk I felt like I was in soaring through heaven.  The creaminess of the ice cream spread through my mouth like wildfire.  Scooping another amount of ice cream, ice cream inside made me feel I was eating the deliciousness of a whip cream.  As I took the last bite of the deliquesce, it felt like I was chewing marshmallows.  

Here is the feed back:

Hey lyan this is amazing I like part when you said (As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa.)

It is very creative I don’t think you need to do anything.

Here is my final:

As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa. I grabbed my stick, and gently scooped through the satiny and tepid ice cream, it was as soft as a bunny.  I gently plopped the ice cream inside my mouth, it slowly liquefy as I swallowed it, it tasted like citrus with a hint of milk I felt like I was in soaring through heaven.  The creaminess of the ice cream spread through my mouth like wildfire.  Scooping another amount of ice cream, ice cream inside made me feel I was eating the deliciousness of a whip cream.  As I took the last bite of the deliquesce, it felt like I was chewing marshmallows.

I hope you like reading my writing.

Writing - Respect

Welcome, it is Term 1, and I am pumped up to do some writing.  This week and last week we worked on writing how the All Blacks are showing respect to the Wallabies.  We had to get in 2 or 3 groups and give them feedback on their writing, after they have finished their draft.  So one I finished my draft I gave feedback to my group, and they gave feedback to me, to tell be what can i improved on.  So they gave me the feedback and on my final draft I improved.

Here is my draft:

After a impressive game, the Wallabies and All Blacks all gather up together as a group to shake hands and to congratulate each other.  The All Blacks happily congratulated the Wallabies and looked each other in the eye, with the up most respect.  They stand tall with pride and with the correct uniform.  

This is my groups feedback to me:

Very nice Lyan, there is just some lines that don't make sense. But besides that it great keep up the great work lyan.

I like this Lyan and I do agree with Mikayla there is a couple of sentences that need a little bit more changing but besides that great work!

This my final copy:

After a impressive game, the Wallabies and All Blacks all gather up together and congratulated each other.  The All Blacks happily congratulated the Wallabies and looked each other in the eye, as they shake their hands.  They stand tall with pride and with the correct uniform, with the up most respect for the other team.

If you have anymore feedback, please do not hesitate, to write it on the comment section below.

Have a great day!