First Draft - The Unlucky Trip Story

In writing my writing group we made a story about the space Chimp my title is The Unlucky Trip. This is my first draft and the red text means it is my improvements.My punctuation a vocabulary are in red here is the video space chimp my story hope you enjoy.

Success Criteria

I know I will be successful when….

• The title is suitable for the text.

• The orientation tells who the story is about, and when and where the story happened.
• The complication describes a problem and explains what happened next.
• The resolution explains how the problem was solved.
• Seeks feedback and makes changes to texts to improve clarity and meaning.

The Unlucky Trip

First Draft

3, 2, 1 blast off! Whoosh! It was 1961, I was launched into space.  I was really scared, it felt like I being thrown out by a cannon.  As I was shooting across the atmosphere my heart was beating as it was about explode. All I had to think of is my trainer, he gave me a picture of me and him.   Anyway my name is Jack and I am a Chimp. I was sent into space because people in the NASA space station  could see how I survive in space.  

I really miss my trainer, his name is Nathan. He raised me up to the chimp that I am now.  I feel really scared and sad, then the radio went on. “Hello Jack are you there? Hello.”

I recognized that voice it was my trainer.   I replied, “Oooh aaah!” that means hello, my trainer said “ Bye and Good luck Jack!!” and that was his last words.  

65 years Later…………

Beep beep!!. I opened my eyes in confusion what was I doing here.  The stars were as bright as shiny as a diamond sparkling.  I closed my eyes and imagined suddenly my memories started to come back, my trainer I remember him, I saw the picture of him and me.  I was a beautiful chimp when I was a little chimp I have furry and soft fur and a beautiful face.  Now I am an old white whiskered chimp.  Then I saw my home, it's earth it looked beautiful, I had a big smile in my face.   Then I felt a scared I was going to earth I closed my eyes and imagined.

Terra firma!!

I landed, I got off the space capsule, instead of a beautiful colourful city it was a rusty, dusted and demolished earth.  I yelled “ooohhh aahh” but no one replied.  I fell to the ground and tears fell down.  I felt so sad I didn’t know what to do.  I stood up and explored the grey and broken city, I didn’t think it was a good  idea but I went on.  I went back to the space capsule to get my picture with my trainer, for a second I thought that humans destroyed this city and my trainer betrayed me.

I ran as fast as I can, once I was out of energy I took a seat in a bench.  After a few hours, a girl came passing by she said,“ run, run, run for you lives or you will die!!”

I ran with her she was pretty she was nice she was a human.  I stopped for a moment to asked her what had happened but she interrupted she said “what are you doing run!!!” I said “ oooh aaah “ that means what happened here. She said “ evil chimps, “ and that the only thing she said.  

I said to myself did she understand, I ran with her I couldn’t run that fast because I was very old, I tripped on a rock she held me up and we ran together. She said “were safe.” She started talking about  how the evil chimps took over the planet.  She said “ the chimps betrayed the humans.  I felt devastated and Depressed , then I heard a bang!!.

“Ahhh!!! Evil chimps” she said “run!!!” she said, so I ran with her I didn’t have much energy.  I ran and I ran as fast as I can, “ ooooh aaaah “ that means I can’t run anymore I tripped on a rock and fell down.  The picture of me and my trainer I smiled, I saw the evil chimps they weren’t going for me they were going for the girl.  I ran in front of them and said “oooohh aaaaah” that means what are you doing to this poor girl.   

They said “We are going to kill her” I said “ooooh aaaah” that means then you'll have to go through me.  They said “you you're too weak and old,” I said to the girl run run for your lives” she hided in a house. The evil chimps pulled out their swords and ripped me up and that was the last of me the space chimp. The End

an’t run anymore I tripped on a rock and fell down.  The picture of me and my trainer I smiled, I saw the evil chimps they weren’t going for me they were going for the girl.  I ran in front of them and said “oooohh aaaaah” that means what are you doing to this poor girl.   

They said “We are going to kill her” I said “ooooh aaaah” that means then you'll have to go through me.  They said “you you're too weak and old,” I said to the girl “run run for your lives” she hided in a house. The evil chimps pulled out their swords and ripped me up and that was the last of me the space chimp. The End

	Punctuation	Vocabulary
Self	R4
Peer	R4