I WANT A UNICORN!!!!

In weeks 4 -6 we have been doing some persuasive writing.  We had to persuade someone to buy us the pet we want.  We had to make our writing to persuade someone the not entertain them.

We had to follow a set of instructions to remind us of what we are doing.
 Instructions:

• Write your draft in the Draft section of the table below, in the box by your name.
• Provide Feedback on your writing buddy’s draft writing in the Feedback section of his/her writing box.
• Read the feedback from your writing buddy.
• Copy your draft writing into your Final box and revise this based on the feedback you have received.
• Assess the final version of your own writing for ideas using the Writing Rubric.
• Peer-assess the final version of your writing buddy’s writing for ideas using the Writing Rubric.

After writing our feedback, we had to make our final copy.  My draft before only had 2 paragraph as you can see down below.

Here is my Draft

May I please have a unicorn, I would really love to have a unicorn, because it can look after me
so you don’t have to be busy as usual.  Even though it is hard to take care of a unicorn I promise
to take care of it and love it, I will also take responsibility for taking care of the unicorn and
feeding it. A unicorn is a unique animal, it has magical powers that can make you happy.

The unicorn can make food so you don’t have to cook that many food. It can behave itself so you
don’t have to take care of it.  The unicorn can talk and it is very smart so it can teach me.
The unicorn is very responsible and it can help you clean the house.  It can also fly me to
school so you don’t have to drive me all the way to school.

I would love you to consider buying me a unicorn.  

Here is my feedback

I think your writing is very good but I think you need to talk more about how you can take care of it. You have talked about it’s qualities but now you need to talk about the negatives of having a unicorn like, if the unicorn gets sick and it makes you food then you could get sick. -

Here is my final copy

May I please have a unicorn, I would really love to have a unicorn, because it could look after me so you don’t have to be busy as usual.  Even though it is hard to take care of a unicorn I promise to take care of it and love it. I will also take responsibility for taking care of the unicorn and feeding it.  A unicorn is a unique animal, because it has magical powers that can make you happy.

If the unicorn gets sick, which will never happen because it cannot be affected by the sickness. If I ever have a sickness, it will heal me and make me a healthy and energetic person.  

The unicorn will never get tired so it can take care of me when I am asleep and when I am alone walking home. The unicorn can keep up awake at night so if a burglar ever comes the unicorn can protect me.  

The unicorn can cook food so you don’t have to cook that many meals. It can behave itself so you don’t have to take care of it.  The unicorn can also cook desserts. If the unicorn poops, it poops candies and cotton candy. It tastes really good and it is also very healthy.  

The unicorn can talk and it is very smart so it can teach me.  The unicorn is very responsible and it can help you clean the house.  It can also fly me to school so you don’t have to drive me all the way to school.  

I would love you to consider buying me a unicorn, because I am lonely all the time and I need someone to cheer me up

Assessment:	Self	Peer	Teacher
Ideas	5	5	5