A Happy Ending...

Welcome, welcome, Good Evening! Today I am going to show you my writing for our second hurumanu Stop, Write Hear which is art. This week ( 2 )we had to create a narrative about our story. So we first planned what we were going to write and check with our other team members if our information about the characters is right. So after planning, we have to asked someone to be our partener to give feedback to our writing.

Writing: (It is quite long, sorry in advanced)

March 21, 2000, it was just the beginning of the spring season, baby Wairua’s delicate cries filled the
car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed her down as
their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an aged house. They
were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.

Wairua stopped crying as she was carried out of the car. As she slept, the couple walked through the
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she noticed
a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.

She ushered them in while walking slowly to the kitchen. While she was preparing the tea, Wairua
was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later she came
back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed Wairua tenderly
to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.

“Oh! What a beautiful girl, how many months old is she dear?" asked grandma Tracie. "She is one and
a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile.

Grandma Tracie smiled as she carried Wairua through the living room and cooed at her as she giggled
joyfully. Time passed as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple
gave Grandma Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.

~10 Years Later~

Wairua is now nine years old turning ten in a few days, her birthday was on March 21, today was
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a few
minutes away.

As she arrived her mother rushed her in the car to drive to the airport. Arriving at the airport they
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.

Once they had arrived they signalled for a car to ride to the hospital Wairua's cherished grandma was
in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother who
was getting treated.

A few hours later, the doctor had announced she had an incurable type of cancer. Once this
was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated. The next day her
grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.

As days passed Wairua stayed in the hospital taking care of her grandmother, she even
celebrated her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.

20 May 2010, a few hours had passed her grandmother is now dead. Wairua sat on the seat of
the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her head
on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech.  She sat there looking lifeless.

Many years passed, 15 to be exact, it was now the year 2025. Wairua is still looking very
depressed, in fact, she was depressed for most of those years.

She has already graduated from college and is working at a famous cafe 'The Expresso'.
There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires to be a photographer.  There on they
started to get to know each other and a year later they were about to get married. But that wasn't
the most exciting thing she was pregnant.

After a few years, they were now married with a new baby named Lucky.  But as happy as she
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital.

Then on Wairua's family cared for her ill father. But it wasn't enough he had died only a few days before
Wairua's birthday. She was sad but her family always made her happy.  Wairua always cared for other
people and took care of them. This is an example of a great-granddaughter and a daughter.

Feedback: 

Amazing story lyan. I love how your story all fits together. Maybe you could try and shorten it a
little bit to make it a little bit more understandable. Also maybe put some paragraphs together so
it looks a little smaller. I thought it was more like a story than a narrative.

Final Writing:

March 21, 2000, it was just the beginning of the spring season, baby Wairua’s delicate cries
filled the car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed
her down as their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an
aged house. They were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.

Wairua stopped crying as she was carried out of the car. As she slept, the couple walked through the
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she
noticed a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.

She ushered them in while walking slowly to the kitchen. While she was preparing the tea,
Wairua was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later
she came back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed
Wairua tenderly to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.

“Oh! What a beautiful girl, how many months old is she dear?" asked grandma Tracie.
"She is one and a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile. Grandma Tracie smiled as
she carried Wairua through the living room and cooed at her as she giggled joyfully. Time passed
as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple gave Grandma
Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.

~10 Years Later~

Wairua is now nine years old turning ten in a few days, her birthday was on March 21, today was
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a
few minutes away.

As she arrived her mother rushed her in the car to drive to the airport. Arriving at the airport they
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.

Once they had arrived they signalled for a car to ride to the hospital Wairua's cherished grandma
was in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother
who was getting treated.

A few hours later, the doctor had announced she had an incurable type of cancer. Once
this was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated.
The next day her grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.

As days passed Wairua stayed in the hospital taking care of her grandmother, she even celebrated
her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.

20 May 2010, a few hours had passed her grandmother is now dead. Wairua sat on the seat
of the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her
head on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech.  She sat there looking lifeless.

Many years passed, 15 to be exact, it was now the year 2025. Wairua is still looking very depressed,
in fact, she was depressed for most of those years. She has already graduated from college and is
working at a famous cafe 'The Expresso'. There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires
to be a photographer.  There on they started to get to know each other and a year later they were
about to get married. But that wasn't the most exciting thing she was pregnant.

After a few years, they were now married with a new baby named Lucky.  But as happy as she
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital. Then on Wairua's family cared for her ill father. But it wasn't enough he
had died only a few days before Wairua's birthday.  Wairua always cared for other people and took
care of them.

It's just a Dream - Writing

This week in writing we had to create a narrative, with 50 topic to write on.  Which was really cool, so then we had to pick one and then write about it.  So then I picked number 40. A traffic accident, and then I had to write about it  and eventually finish, on Friday (end of the week).
So I hope you like my story and if you'd be able to give me feedback please do.

Bang! I crashed beneath the the horrifying pitch black night, as the glass pieces shattered between the hollows of an unknown barn, I looked around the broken down barn, suddenly I heard a horrifying sound. It sounded like a weasel, I walked around the barn not knowing what had happened. The place was a old and unstable barn, it seemed like it was here for the last decade, I was scared, I didn’t what to and then suddenly I heard a noise. The stranger but intriguing noise had caught my interest what was it?

“CHRRRRR” I suddenly heard a radio sound, it sounded like a radio it was as old as creation. I though I was still alive until I looked up to my shattered mirror, I was covered in white fluffy, minerals.  I was shocked, I decided to sit down and think things over, before  was already morning and I saw policemen and a ambulance.

Was this the end of me, but, just before falling to sleep with despair, I woke in my bed, and look out in the window, I realised it was only a dream. 

My Special Gift

W.A.L.T:  Write a narrative

Success Criteria

I know I will be successful when….

• The title is suitable for the text.

• The orientation tells who the story is about, and when and where the story happened.
• The complication describes a problem and explains what happened next.
• The resolution explains how the problem was solved.
• Seeks feedback and makes changes to texts to improve clarity and meaning.

In Ako Ngatahi we had to write a narrative about a video. It was about a boy opening a present that was a dog with three legs. Here is the video of the present. I hope you enjoy my story.

The Present

My Special Gift

It was Saturday morning I just woke up from my amazing dream, I brushed my teeth and I took a bath.  I went downstairs to eat breakfast, “Mmm bacon and eggs.” I said. After I ate my breakfast I rushed downstairs to play my favourite game.  I closed the blinds because it was so bright.

I opened the t.v and started playing with my xbox, then my Mum came in with a box, “Darling would you stop playing and open the present.” she said.   She opened the blinds, It was really bright. I just realized that my mum had a new haircut and some new clothes.

Ring!!! Ring!! The phone is ringing.  My mum answered “ Hello!”  When she was gone I opened the box then suddenly a puppy popped out. The dog had a big black nose and a cute face, I picked him and I was really disappointed and angry for a moment there, because he had only 3 legs.

I threw the dog in the ground. Because I didn't want a dog that has three legs.  Then he saw a ball under a table he rolled it to me, but I kicked it to the box, the dog chased after it he crashed into the box he couldn’t see anything. He bumped  to the drawer near the T.V I kinda laughed because he was so silly and funny.

He brought the ball really quickly to me.  I realized that you don't have to perfect.  So I picked the ball and I grabbed my crutches and I put the ball in my pocket.  Me and my dog walked to the door and opened it and I said to my mum that me and my new dog were going outside. It was good to have a friends that was just like me.

I learnt to never judge someone by how they look.

First Draft - The Unlucky Trip Story

In writing my writing group we made a story about the space Chimp my title is The Unlucky Trip. This is my first draft and the red text means it is my improvements.My punctuation a vocabulary are in red here is the video space chimp my story hope you enjoy.

Success Criteria

I know I will be successful when….

• The title is suitable for the text.

• The orientation tells who the story is about, and when and where the story happened.
• The complication describes a problem and explains what happened next.
• The resolution explains how the problem was solved.
• Seeks feedback and makes changes to texts to improve clarity and meaning.

The Unlucky Trip

First Draft

3, 2, 1 blast off! Whoosh! It was 1961, I was launched into space.  I was really scared, it felt like I being thrown out by a cannon.  As I was shooting across the atmosphere my heart was beating as it was about explode. All I had to think of is my trainer, he gave me a picture of me and him.   Anyway my name is Jack and I am a Chimp. I was sent into space because people in the NASA space station  could see how I survive in space.  

I really miss my trainer, his name is Nathan. He raised me up to the chimp that I am now.  I feel really scared and sad, then the radio went on. “Hello Jack are you there? Hello.”

I recognized that voice it was my trainer.   I replied, “Oooh aaah!” that means hello, my trainer said “ Bye and Good luck Jack!!” and that was his last words.  

65 years Later…………

Beep beep!!. I opened my eyes in confusion what was I doing here.  The stars were as bright as shiny as a diamond sparkling.  I closed my eyes and imagined suddenly my memories started to come back, my trainer I remember him, I saw the picture of him and me.  I was a beautiful chimp when I was a little chimp I have furry and soft fur and a beautiful face.  Now I am an old white whiskered chimp.  Then I saw my home, it's earth it looked beautiful, I had a big smile in my face.   Then I felt a scared I was going to earth I closed my eyes and imagined.

Terra firma!!

I landed, I got off the space capsule, instead of a beautiful colourful city it was a rusty, dusted and demolished earth.  I yelled “ooohhh aahh” but no one replied.  I fell to the ground and tears fell down.  I felt so sad I didn’t know what to do.  I stood up and explored the grey and broken city, I didn’t think it was a good  idea but I went on.  I went back to the space capsule to get my picture with my trainer, for a second I thought that humans destroyed this city and my trainer betrayed me.

I ran as fast as I can, once I was out of energy I took a seat in a bench.  After a few hours, a girl came passing by she said,“ run, run, run for you lives or you will die!!”

I ran with her she was pretty she was nice she was a human.  I stopped for a moment to asked her what had happened but she interrupted she said “what are you doing run!!!” I said “ oooh aaah “ that means what happened here. She said “ evil chimps, “ and that the only thing she said.  

I said to myself did she understand, I ran with her I couldn’t run that fast because I was very old, I tripped on a rock she held me up and we ran together. She said “were safe.” She started talking about  how the evil chimps took over the planet.  She said “ the chimps betrayed the humans.  I felt devastated and Depressed , then I heard a bang!!.

“Ahhh!!! Evil chimps” she said “run!!!” she said, so I ran with her I didn’t have much energy.  I ran and I ran as fast as I can, “ ooooh aaaah “ that means I can’t run anymore I tripped on a rock and fell down.  The picture of me and my trainer I smiled, I saw the evil chimps they weren’t going for me they were going for the girl.  I ran in front of them and said “oooohh aaaaah” that means what are you doing to this poor girl.   

They said “We are going to kill her” I said “ooooh aaaah” that means then you'll have to go through me.  They said “you you're too weak and old,” I said to the girl run run for your lives” she hided in a house. The evil chimps pulled out their swords and ripped me up and that was the last of me the space chimp. The End

an’t run anymore I tripped on a rock and fell down.  The picture of me and my trainer I smiled, I saw the evil chimps they weren’t going for me they were going for the girl.  I ran in front of them and said “oooohh aaaaah” that means what are you doing to this poor girl.   

They said “We are going to kill her” I said “ooooh aaaah” that means then you'll have to go through me.  They said “you you're too weak and old,” I said to the girl “run run for your lives” she hided in a house. The evil chimps pulled out their swords and ripped me up and that was the last of me the space chimp. The End

	Punctuation	Vocabulary
Self	R4
Peer	R4

Lyan's Space Chimp Planning

This is my space chimp planning and next week I am going to make a story about the space chimp.