Writing: (It is quite long, sorry in advanced)
March 21, 2000, it was just the beginning of the spring season, baby Wairua’s delicate cries filled the
car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed her down as
their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an aged house. They
were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.
car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed her down as
their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an aged house. They
were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.
Wairua stopped crying as she was carried out of the car. As she slept, the couple walked through the
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she noticed
a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she noticed
a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.
She ushered them in while walking slowly to the kitchen. While she was preparing the tea, Wairua
was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later she came
back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed Wairua tenderly
to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.
was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later she came
back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed Wairua tenderly
to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.
“Oh! What a beautiful girl, how many months old is she dear?" asked grandma Tracie. "She is one and
a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile.
a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile.
Grandma Tracie smiled as she carried Wairua through the living room and cooed at her as she giggled
joyfully. Time passed as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple
gave Grandma Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.
joyfully. Time passed as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple
gave Grandma Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.
~10 Years Later~
Wairua is now nine years old turning ten in a few days, her birthday was on March 21, today was
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a few
minutes away.
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a few
minutes away.
As she arrived her mother rushed her in the car to drive to the airport. Arriving at the airport they
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.
Once they had arrived they signalled for a car to ride to the hospital Wairua's cherished grandma was
in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother who
was getting treated.
in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother who
was getting treated.
A few hours later, the doctor had announced she had an incurable type of cancer. Once this
was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated. The next day her
grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.
was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated. The next day her
grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.
As days passed Wairua stayed in the hospital taking care of her grandmother, she even
celebrated her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.
celebrated her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.
20 May 2010, a few hours had passed her grandmother is now dead. Wairua sat on the seat of
the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her head
on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech. She sat there looking lifeless.
the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her head
on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech. She sat there looking lifeless.
Many years passed, 15 to be exact, it was now the year 2025. Wairua is still looking very
depressed, in fact, she was depressed for most of those years.
depressed, in fact, she was depressed for most of those years.
She has already graduated from college and is working at a famous cafe 'The Expresso'.
There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires to be a photographer. There on they
started to get to know each other and a year later they were about to get married. But that wasn't
the most exciting thing she was pregnant.
There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires to be a photographer. There on they
started to get to know each other and a year later they were about to get married. But that wasn't
the most exciting thing she was pregnant.
After a few years, they were now married with a new baby named Lucky. But as happy as she
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital.
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital.
Then on Wairua's family cared for her ill father. But it wasn't enough he had died only a few days before
Wairua's birthday. She was sad but her family always made her happy. Wairua always cared for other
people and took care of them. This is an example of a great-granddaughter and a daughter.
Wairua's birthday. She was sad but her family always made her happy. Wairua always cared for other
people and took care of them. This is an example of a great-granddaughter and a daughter.
Feedback:
Amazing story lyan. I love how your story all fits together. Maybe you could try and shorten it a
little bit to make it a little bit more understandable. Also maybe put some paragraphs together so
it looks a little smaller. I thought it was more like a story than a narrative.
little bit to make it a little bit more understandable. Also maybe put some paragraphs together so
it looks a little smaller. I thought it was more like a story than a narrative.
Final Writing:
March 21, 2000, it was just the beginning of the spring season, baby Wairua’s delicate cries
filled the car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed
her down as their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an
aged house. They were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.
filled the car as her family made their way to the east side of Kyoto. Rowena her mother soothed
her down as their car hurtled down the street. Haruto, the attractive father of Wairua stopped at an
aged house. They were visiting Haruto’s mother, Wairua’s grandmother.
Wairua stopped crying as she was carried out of the car. As she slept, the couple walked through the
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she
noticed a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.
dried grass and knocked on the antique door. They waited a few minutes and suddenly the door
opened, a surprised was clearly evident on Grandma Tracie’s face. As they greeted her she
noticed a beautiful baby lying between Rowena’s arms.
She ushered them in while walking slowly to the kitchen. While she was preparing the tea,
Wairua was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later
she came back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed
Wairua tenderly to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.
Wairua was wide awake staring at the pictures of her grandma and mother. A few minutes later
she came back with two beverages. She asked if she could hold baby Wairua, Rowena handed
Wairua tenderly to Tracie, Tracie took a little time to stare at her beautiful features.
“Oh! What a beautiful girl, how many months old is she dear?" asked grandma Tracie.
"She is one and a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile. Grandma Tracie smiled as
she carried Wairua through the living room and cooed at her as she giggled joyfully. Time passed
as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple gave Grandma
Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.
"She is one and a half-years-old," Rowena said with a radiant smile. Grandma Tracie smiled as
she carried Wairua through the living room and cooed at her as she giggled joyfully. Time passed
as Grandma Tracie played with Wairua and it was now time to leave. The couple gave Grandma
Tracie a kiss on the cheek and left.
~10 Years Later~
Wairua is now nine years old turning ten in a few days, her birthday was on March 21, today was
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a
few minutes away.
only March 17. She was walking to school until she received a call from her mother saying her
lovely grandma was hospitalized. She hurriedly scrambled back to her house which was only a
few minutes away.
As she arrived her mother rushed her in the car to drive to the airport. Arriving at the airport they
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.
quickly took out their baggage and dragged them to get checked. After that, they quickly took the
next flight to Kyoto.
Once they had arrived they signalled for a car to ride to the hospital Wairua's cherished grandma
was in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother
who was getting treated.
was in and made their way to her room. She glanced at the window and observed her grandmother
who was getting treated.
A few hours later, the doctor had announced she had an incurable type of cancer. Once
this was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated.
The next day her grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.
this was announced tears were brought into Wairua's eyes, she was devastated.
The next day her grandmother woke up and Wairua took care of her.
As days passed Wairua stayed in the hospital taking care of her grandmother, she even celebrated
her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.
her birthday with her. Then it came it was the day her grandmother will die.
20 May 2010, a few hours had passed her grandmother is now dead. Wairua sat on the seat
of the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her
head on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech. She sat there looking lifeless.
of the hospital and cried. Two days passed and now it is time for the funeral. Wairua rested her
head on her mother's sobbing shoulder as the priest gave a speech. She sat there looking lifeless.
Many years passed, 15 to be exact, it was now the year 2025. Wairua is still looking very depressed,
in fact, she was depressed for most of those years. She has already graduated from college and is
working at a famous cafe 'The Expresso'. There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires
to be a photographer. There on they started to get to know each other and a year later they were
about to get married. But that wasn't the most exciting thing she was pregnant.
in fact, she was depressed for most of those years. She has already graduated from college and is
working at a famous cafe 'The Expresso'. There she met Trey, a handsome young man who aspires
to be a photographer. There on they started to get to know each other and a year later they were
about to get married. But that wasn't the most exciting thing she was pregnant.
After a few years, they were now married with a new baby named Lucky. But as happy as she
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital. Then on Wairua's family cared for her ill father. But it wasn't enough he
had died only a few days before Wairua's birthday. Wairua always cared for other people and took
care of them.
can get there will all be something sad. A few days after giving birth to Lucky, Wairua's father had
to be rushed to the hospital. Then on Wairua's family cared for her ill father. But it wasn't enough he
had died only a few days before Wairua's birthday. Wairua always cared for other people and took
care of them.
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