The taste of heaven - Writing

This week for writing we get to do something amazing, we had to taste an ice cream then write about what it tastes, smell and looks.  So our teacher got us to taste the ice cream and then write our it.  First we did a draft then we got feedback from our buddies.

So here's my draft:
As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa. I grabbed my stick, and gently scooped through the satiny and tepid ice cream, it was as soft as a bunny.  I gently plopped the ice cream inside my mouth, it slowly liquefy as I swallowed it, it tasted like citrus with a hint of milk I felt like I was in soaring through heaven.  The creaminess of the ice cream spread through my mouth like wildfire.  Scooping another amount of ice cream, ice cream inside made me feel I was eating the deliciousness of a whip cream.  As I took the last bite of the deliquesce, it felt like I was chewing marshmallows.  

Here is the feed back:

Hey lyan this is amazing I like part when you said (As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa.)

It is very creative I don’t think you need to do anything.

Here is my final:

As I peeled through the foil, a wonderful smell of bliss came out like a cheetah racing through the spoilt grass of Africa. I grabbed my stick, and gently scooped through the satiny and tepid ice cream, it was as soft as a bunny.  I gently plopped the ice cream inside my mouth, it slowly liquefy as I swallowed it, it tasted like citrus with a hint of milk I felt like I was in soaring through heaven.  The creaminess of the ice cream spread through my mouth like wildfire.  Scooping another amount of ice cream, ice cream inside made me feel I was eating the deliciousness of a whip cream.  As I took the last bite of the deliquesce, it felt like I was chewing marshmallows.

I hope you like reading my writing.